It might help to see it
from the outside

When family gets under your skin, can a small step back help?

48-second animation
Captions available

A painted woman with round glasses at her kitchen bench after a family dinner, holding a plate and pausing, her phone face down beside her — Captions are in the player. Select CC to turn them on.

The dinner’s over. One comment is still going round in your head.

It might help to see it from the outside.

This short animation shows one small way to step back. When a family moment gets under your skin, ask about it silently using your own name instead of “I”. “Why is Alex so wound up?” can put you a little outside the feeling, the way you’d think about someone else. Psychologists call this self-distancing.

It isn’t magic. A 2023 review of 25 experiments with 2,397 adults found a small advantage for stepping back over going over things from the inside. Most of the studies were with university students, and the authors say better-quality studies are still needed.

Stepping back won’t fix family stress on its own, and it isn’t the same as putting up with treatment that isn’t OK. If you don’t feel safe with someone, 1800RESPECT is available 24/7 on 1800 737 732.

If you need a moment with someone, you could say “I might need to see this from the outside.”

Read the transcript

When family gets under your skin, asking about it with your own name instead of “I” can help you step back.

“Why am I so wound up?” can keep you inside it, because you’re seeing it through your own eyes.

“Why is Alex so wound up?” can put you outside it, because you think about yourself the way you’d think about someone else.

Psychologists call it self-distancing. That bit of distance can give you a little room from the feeling.

It isn’t magic. A review of 25 experiments found that stepping back helped a little more than replaying it from the inside.

Next time family gets to you, silently ask what’s going on, using your own name instead of “I”.

General information only, not personalised therapy or advice. If family stress is getting in the way of sleep, work or how things are at home, or you’re worried, it’s worth talking to someone. You don’t need to wait. Call 1300 151 110.

Families working through something together can also read about family therapy.

1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 · Lifeline 13 11 14 · Emergency 000

Reference

Murdoch EM, Chapman MT, Crane M, Gucciardi DF (2023). The effectiveness of self-distanced versus self-immersed reflections among adults: systematic review and meta-analysis of experimental studies. Stress and Health 39(2), 255-271. doi.org/10.1002/smi.3199

It might help to see itfrom the outside

It might help to see it
from the outside